I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food