If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
A family that plays together cheats.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
They got Raph!