Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You Might Also Like
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.