More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death