dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS