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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.