Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶