I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
found my next D&D character name
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually