Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
You Might Also Like
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Mornin. * use accordingly
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Noah
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.