Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.