I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Art by Pastelkatto
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*