*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.