[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.