son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
You Might Also Like
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.