Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”