Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
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Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
🔦🌙👣
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.