I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
You Might Also Like
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?