Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
You Might Also Like
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
the clam before the storm
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.