Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me