*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
This will never not be funny to me.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting