Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”