once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
You Might Also Like
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Love this guy
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.