Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
…żyje?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.