Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
You Might Also Like
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast