Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet