Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
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Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
this is uni
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.