[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Note to self: always read the final line
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs