Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police