My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
i made a craigslist ad !
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.