Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
No, I don’t think I will.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house