Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
You Might Also Like
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff