interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
You Might Also Like
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Everyone’s family
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.