I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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never deleting this app.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.