I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals