Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later