my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
synchronized noseblowing
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Fat chances are my favorite chances
huge if true: the moon
uncle dave has been through hell
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?