Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
my fav colour is also hitler
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!