Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
we’re gonna need another temp
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.