no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]