Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.