If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I support this random dude and all his protests
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie