the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
remember
only for emergencies
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I created you as mosquito food.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but