Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
You Might Also Like
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
He took my last fry, your honor
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Is….Is this an option?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶