At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
You Might Also Like
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
And then there were 4
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.