My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
bro what is going on at twitter
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Happy birthday to all the women
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Dishonest mechanic?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Dolls on drugs
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: