Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!