So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
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I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Seals are just dog mermaids.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle