DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My god she’s good.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.