*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?