The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.